Three Years of Love

I don't often think back on the hours leading up to January 26, 2008. While thoughts of Ronan do enter my mind on a daily basis, it's just too painful to dwell on what occurred between learning of his demise and his delivery. What I choose to remember is how excited Reese and I were that we were going to have a child and all of the adventures I dreamed about taking my son on prior to his passing. Those were not painful times. Nor was actually holding him in my arms once he arrived. Though he had passed on from this plane of existence to life eternal, I knew the love Reese and I had for one another had made something beautiful and I knew that love would eventually create again. Having Radha present has made this day easier but my heart still longs to hold my son again. Even if it was for only a moment. Earlier today, we again released balloons inscribed with words that only he is meant to read. Both of his grandmothers were present and even Radha attempted a drawing on the balloon she released for him. Things will be a little different next year since we'll be in a new place and not have as many family members around. However, at the conclusion of January 26th, the day will always end with reaffirming thoughts on my mind and love in my heart. He is forever loved, remembered and missed.

The Wonderful Twos

Two-years-old. This age has been somewhat of a running joke and/or recurring nightmare for parents everywhere but for one day, it was pure heaven. To observe how much Radha has grown and the abilities she has developed over a scant two years is nothing short of amazing to me. Reese was reminding me earlier how she couldn't even handle eating utensils and how limited her vocabulary was at the time of her first birthday celebration. Fast forward a year and there she is, clearly asking for cake, attempting to blow out candles without prompting and handling a fork well enough to get the cake to its intended destination. It is all so very rewarding and makes me so happy I am on this journey called fatherhood. I am so thankful she was surrounded by family members for this occasion seeing how this could be the last time we celebrate her birthday in the Lone Star State. She is obviously a very loved child, not only by Reese and I. I've heard the warnings but I am no less anxious to start the adventure that is raising a two-year-old. Here's to making the next 364 days the most adventure-filled I've seen yet!

The Wonder of "Owthide"

Practically every day, Radha pulls a pair of shoes out of the lowest drawer of her changing table, brings them to me and says, "Owthide." This, of course, means that she wants to go outside and see if anything has changed since her last visit there. Living in south Texas, not a lot changes. The grass may be a little greener in the summer and the trees have more leaves, but the seasons here do not bring a whole lot of change like you see in other regions of the country. I'm not saying that's a bad thing though since it has been conducive to a new favorite activity of ours. Twice in the past week, she has walked down the stone pathway in our backyard, while holding onto my hand, and set down in the small patch of grass where it ends. It's a very clean spot next to the fence where, thankfully, our dog does not "do his business". There, we sit and I watch as she sprinkles her hair with both live and dead grass blades, points out the occasional bug and attempts to taste various leaves she picks up (which I'm always on the lookout for). As amazing as an experience I'm sure this is for her, it has been just as powerful for me as I even caught myself wondering if this is what it was like for some primitive man eons ago spending what little time he could with his offspring. Even though I know it's not probable, she may retain memories of her very first forages into the outside world and even remind me of them somewhere down the road. Memories that could someday warm my heart when I no longer have the opportunity to enjoy sitting in a small, undisturbed patch of grass year round.

Just the Two of Us...

Within the past month, Reese and I took our first out-of-state trip without Radha. We're very fortunate to have my parents close by, who never turn down an opportunity to watch their granddaughter. Reese has really wanted to take me to Seattle, Washington since she visited there over four years ago. Since I had never been there, I thought it sounded like the perfect place to make some new discoveries and recharge our relationship.

For one of the West Coast's major cities, Seattle sure was easy to navigate. The streets were plentiful, but never too crowded even during the weekend we visited. This made it much easier to see the sights we were looking forward to. Friday morning we awoke and quickly got ready for the spectacle that is Pike's Place Market. It was quite the bustling scene...fresh seafood, flowers and well made local goods and clothing nearly everywhere I looked. We shared a special breakfast there, a sweet cream cheese and Marionberry vatrushka with Starbucks coffee from the original location to wash it down. That afternoon, we walked to the Space Needle from our hotel. The structure's elevator took 44 seconds to shuttle us up to the observation deck 520 feet above the city. Waiting for us at the top were 360 degrees of amazing views. It really was a fantastic opportunity to see the entire city!

We spent Saturday on Whidbey Island, where Reese had attended a writers' colony back in 2005. She was able to show me several special locations she remembered such as the log covered beach at Double Bluff Bay and the quaint town of Langley. We even discovered a few new spots together including the pizzeria in Langley where we dined on a delicious pesto pizza.

Due to the fact that Radha wasn't going to be with us, we had agreed this would be a short getaway. We got up early on Sunday morning and made our way back to Sea-Tac airport, our last cups of Washington java in our hands. The trip back home was a long one, but we sure were happy to see our sleeping baby girl when we arrived at my parents' house to pick her up. It was nice to hear a series of high-pitched "You're back!" yelps from Spencer as well. I went to sleep that night knowing that there was something very special indeed about Seattle, Washington. I will definitely be returning, with Radha along, expecting to find even more to like.

And they're off!

Since the beginning of this year, I have really tried to take advantage of some of the free time I have by going to the gym. It seems to be paying off, as I have felt a lot better lately than compared to years past. I finally decided to put my body to the test this past Saturday. I entered a 5K run supporting scholarships for UTSA, my alma mater. The conditions under which I ran in real life as opposed to those in the gym were somewhat different, but they must have been more beneficial. I ended up completing the slow jog/fast walk in 37:46 which was quite a bit faster than the 45:00 I was aiming for. I felt pretty darn good about it and would definitely like to try for a better time somewhere down the road.

Missing winter...

So what is it about winter that always seems to snare me? I guess my overexposure to the Winter Olympics, currently underway in Vancouver, has me missing snow and all of the extra steps to daily life that go along with it. Steps like bundling up just to go out and get your mail and starting the car no less than ten minutes before you even think about going anywhere. There still exists a strong possibility that I will be living back up north again in time to see the first day of winter 2011 come around. Of course, my tolerance level for whatever the season brings will have been considerably diminished by then and I'm sure I'll have some choice words when I have to get out and drive in it again. But there is no doubt that the season brings many rewarding opportunities as well. Snow covered landscapes make for some of the best picture taking opportunities I've ever encountered, hot soups and stews make for some of the best things to fill your tummy with on cold nights and of course, Radha's first chance to flop on her back and make a snow angel will make the hindrances all worth it. I'm even planning on taking ice skating lessons this spring to prepare for the day her and I can hit the ice together. Maybe I'm reaching a bit, but it's these thoughts that keep me cool on the 70+ degree winter days we sometimes get here in Texas. I'll keep romanticizing winter for now...of course if all goes according to plan, I may be writing something a little different here in two years. At least I'll have a cup of hot cocoa in hand for the right reasons while typing away.

On his second birthday...

Today we would have celebrated your second birthday. Even though I wish we could have watched a happy little boy eat cake and open presents today, such events did not take place. We did, however, release balloons to honor your memory. Your mother, sister, Darlin' and I journeyed to a local park where we knew we could find a peaceful spot that would allow us to reflect on the all to short time that we knew you. We even encountered a roadrunner on the trail we walked together. I think your mom is onto something about these bird sightings. We found a spot where the sky stretched forever and each wrote our thoughts of you on a balloon. We did give Radha some help with her's though. One by one we watched the balloons fly away, each becoming a tiny blue dot before disappearing from our sight. As my balloon floated away, I felt it pulling my current grieving state along with it. Funny how such a simple act transforms itself into the perfect metaphor. You are still greatly missed, my son. But you are even more greatly loved. I know I am a better father to Radha, having known you first. I am thankful for the opportunity to have held you in my arms on this day two years ago, no matter how bittersweet the memories may be.