Two Months After Two Years

 Though Henry is too young to have a motto, I'm pretty certain that his has been "full steam ahead" since becoming a two-year-old.  I honestly do not know how I keep up with my boy and I humbly admit that I am not able to do it 24/7.  Thankfully, there are other members of this household who are prepared to step in when my aging locomotive self derails.  My boy is probably not much different than other boys his age: he runs, climbs, jumps, throws toys, pushes boundaries and wants very little to do with mealtimes.  He is vastly different at this age than Radha  was, though, and that's not a bad thing at all.  I'm constantly being reminded that each kid is different and that has to be what keeps a father bringing his A-game.

Thinking back on his birthday party, reminds me how different raising him has been.  Halloween is most certainly a time of frenzied activity for children (and their parents).  How could it not be, with the opportunities for dressing up and setting out to claim as much candy as possible?  Fitting in a birthday celebration and the required watching of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on top of that just meant later bedtimes for the whole family.  The excitement and joy on my children's faces was entirely worth it, though.

At this point, I'm willing to admit that my children are aging too fast.  Radha will be five-years-old tomorrow, and we will surely be reflecting more on our time with Ronan in the weeks ahead.  Shortly after that, a whole new chapter in my journey will begin as the second digit of my age resets to zero.  I started this year thinking how it was my faith and positive thinking that really pulled me through the toughest obstacles that I faced last year, and I would definitely be doing myself a favor by ensuring that those two armaments remain by my side as I will surely require them again.  "Loving my kids, loving my wife, loving my life" is going to be my motto going forwrd.  Here's to a new year of hope and possibilities for my family and myself.

The Noble Acts

A lot has happened since that day five years ago when I became the father who would not be able to take his son home from the hospital.  We've grown as a family, yet we will always be one member short.  In the past, this day is usually marked by quiet pensiveness but that's not so much the case anymore.  It's times like these when I am most grateful that I have two kids whose boundless energy won't let me sit down and get lost in sadness.  Even though caring for Radha and Henry limits the time for personal reflection, there are still moments where I wonder how different my life would be were Ronan here with us.  It's impossible to know but I am at peace when imagining such scenarios.  It's proof enough that I should not be saddened by his memory.  He was my son and he is so dearly loved no matter the short amount of time we had with him.

This year, in honor of Ronan's memory, Reese organized a book drive to benefit the local library here in Beavercreek as well as the one in her hometown in Texas.  We're fortunate to have so many friends who have donated books and funds that the libraries will use to purchase other titles.  Each book will contain an inscribed plate noting that it was donated in Ronan's memory.  I am certain that the children reading these books will surely gain a lasting benefit and I can think of no better way of honoring my son than that.  It's times like this that I take note of the noble acts that arise from tragedy.

If there's anything that I've learned by watching my own father, it's that the challenges of fatherhood don't get any easier with age.  My driving goal in life is to be the very best father I can for the two children here with me, no matter their--or my--age.  May Ronan's memory alway strengthen and encourage me in this goal.  I love you, my first born son.

Four Years In

My Radha celebrated her fourth birthday just a few short weeks ago.  The occasion was marked by a small party at home with a few of Reese's co-workers in attendance.  Reese really outdid herself by preparing a wonderful Italian wedding soup and a lemon cake with strawberry frosting, decorated with Max and Ruby on top.  The following weekend, a grand celebration took place at The Magic Castle (a local amusement center) with some of Radha's preschool classmates and other friends in attendance.  There, she was anointed "Queen Radha" and she and her loyal subjects spent a few hours having fun by climbing and sliding through the soft play area and racking up tickets from several redemption games.  I was happy to discover that the soft play area was large enough for me to enjoy as well.  Climbing up and down that structure for an hour turned out to be quite the workout!

As would be expected, another year brings a whole new set of challenges.  Lately, Reese and I have been challenging Radha to engage in more "big girl" behaviors such as not waking us up in the middle of the night after she uses the bathroom.  She has been handling them well, with slight reluctance.  I continue to be so thankful that she loves going to school and has made some good friends there.  That's one thing that I hope will continue throughout her entire schooling journey.  There is no doubt that the challenges of being a parent have increased--especially now that Henry is mobile--but I gladly accept what each new day brings, considering how great the rewards are.  I am so very grateful to have both of these children in my life and as we close in on the fifth anniversary of our first son's passing, it makes me realize even more what a blessing Radha is and how much my soul was healed upon her arrival.  May her joyful, curious, humorous, "can't stop for a second" personality continue to motivate me to provide her with growing opportunities all year long.  I love you, my sweet girl!

A Truly Amazing First

Today marks the occasion of Henry's first birthday.  It's quite interesting when a birthday coincides with Halloween.  Seeing as how this was his first birthday, and he didn't care much about its theme,  Reese and I decked the house out with both Halloween and  birthday decorations.  It's not often that you will see a "Happy Birthday!" balloon floating right next to one of a giant ghost!  Henry was dressed as a fireman (again, not that he had much say in that choice) and Radha was costumed as Lulu the Ladybug Girl from one of her favorite book series.  Fortunately, my mother and father traveled here from Texas to celebrate alongside of us and many of Reese's coworkers attended and brought gifts for our boy.  It was great to see the younger children dressed in costume as it added even more excitement to the festivities.

It now seems so long ago that I first heard the news that Reese and I would be expecting another son.  At first, I was inundated with worry remembering what had befallen our Ronan and not quite sure if the parenting style I had adopted with Radha could be adapted to raising a son.  That is all in the past now and I can't imagine what it would be like not having Henry in my life for the past year.  Though it is a scant period of time in the grand scheme of things, it has been amazing in terms of what I have seen him achieve.  Once he began accomplishing his early feats, he refused to slow down.  From being able to feed himself to crawling to creeping and testing himself to see how long he can stand for, this child just refuses to stop for a rest.  I can already sense his thirst for adventure and can almost hear him asking permission to take part in many character defining opportunities in the future.  Even though I had some opportunities for adventure in my youth, I lacked the emotional maturity to fully appreciate and learn from them.  You can bet that I will be ratcheting up my courage so that I can be right there by my son's side and doing a little character defining for myself. Happy birthday, my son!  I love you dearly and look forward to witnessing and praising your future accomplishments!  You are most certainly proof that even the youngest amongst us can inspire an elder to greatness.

"Three. That's the Magic Number."

For almost a week now, I have been the father of a three-year-old. My little girl is growing fast. All of the cliches are true. Children really do grow up overnight. It's funny how I never really notice how far along she's come until right after celebrating her birthday. Her vocabulary and interests seem more developed than those of other children, her age, that we often meet at the various parks and playgrounds we visit. I'm certain that some people would refer to her as an "old soul" based on her likes. For instance, in the several weeks leading up to her birthday, she insisted that she wanted a Charlie Brown cake to celebrate the occasion. I attribute this to the fact that she alternated watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving," "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown" non-stop for the last two months of 2011. Of all things for a then two-year-old to become enamored with, I would have never imagined it to be Charles Schulz's beloved "Peanuts" characters. I told her that was a good thing, since her grandparents are partial to those characters she would be more likely to receive gifts featuring them.

This birthday was extra special considering it was the first her little brother was present for. While the focus was squarely on her, it was nice to see him dressed up for the occasion and being cradled by all of our friends who showed up for the party. Our children are loved, and not just by us. That much is evident. It is a really special feeling to know that other people are delighted to see Reese and I as parents and to be congratulated for being so. I missed her grandparents not being here to celebrate alongside us, but that was expected considering we live such great distances apart now. Perhaps next year they'll live closer to us.

With everything that has come along with being three, I can only imagine what she'll have accomplished by the time she turns four. I hope that it doesn't get here too quickly. We've got a lot to discover together and the window for being three is small (those windows just get smaller with age). I believe that those discoveries made when magic is still magical are the ones that stick with you forever. Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but magic.

October 31, 2011: All Treats, No Tricks

I had every intention of making this particular entry before now. However, the past few weeks have reminded me of how little free time one has--or makes wise use of--once a new child enters your life. Our third child and second son, Henry, was born on October 31st at 11:41 A.M. He weighed seven pounds and five ounces and measured 20.5 inches long. We never expected a Halloween baby, but when Reese woke me up around 8:00 A.M. that morning and informed me that she had been having contractions for the past two hours, I knew he would be there before noon. His delivery was unique in that the entire delivery team was composed of women who were all smiles and congratulations once he was safely here. Upon arrival, he made us quite aware of how well his lungs functioned, but once he was swaddled and placed in Reese's arms, he became the proverbial "sleeping baby." It was nice to see Reese as alert as she was post-delivery. There really is nothing more evident of a human spirit as watching a mother bond with her newborn child.

Later that afternoon, I was able to pick Radha up and bring her to the hospital so that she could get her first glimpse of our newest family member. Seeing how it was Halloween, I had her wear her costume (Little Red Riding Hood) and bring her pumpkin along with her. She received some treats from the nurses and another family, who had just welcomed a new arrival, offered her some "It's A Boy!" mints. She did show some interest in her new brother and even sat on the bed and held him for a few seconds before something else in the room caught her attention. After bringing her home that evening, I was able to take her to ten houses or so for some Trick or Treating. It turned out to be quite the magical experience for her and I'm quite certain that Halloween is now her favorite holiday. Late that evening, I returned to the hospital where Reese and I spent our first of a few rough nights. Thankfully, Henry slept in the nursery for a few hours of each night we were there, making the stay a bit more bearable. It's hard to imagine a situation that makes you more thankful to return home and sleep in your own bed than a few nights spent in a hospital.

Now that Henry has been home for a few weeks, I have gotten to form a greater bond with him. The love I have for him is different than what I have for Radha but I love him every bit as much as I do her and am willing to jump in front of a train to save him. Reese assures me that is normal and getting to know him better as he grows fills in some of the layers that are not currently present. Regardless, I know that I have been blessed to finally experience raising a son. That is something I have only been able to dream about since we lost Ronan nearly four years ago.

Many thoughts concerning what life will be like now that we are raising two children weigh heavily on my mind, but foremost is how grateful I am to have them both in my life. I am looking forward to the upcoming holiday season and having my entire immediate family at home. Hopefully, the rush usually associated with the holidays will be quelled just a bit this year considering our current situation. I'll do my best to focus on my loved ones and put their most important needs first. May this season truly be a most joyous one for all of us.

The Clock is Ticking...

The countdown has begun, in earnest, for our newest addition to arrive. With only two weeks to go, I'm doing my best to recall the highlights and challenges of Radha coming home with us. In the meantime, Reese and I will continue to prepare Radha for what the arrival of her baby brother means for her. In order to comfort her about the whole ordeal, we've been explaining that we will be staying at the hospital for a few nights but that I will still make it home every night to help put her to bed. She appears to be at ease with the whole process. I just hope that remains the case.

As for hands-on preparation, a few weeks ago, Radha attended a "Big Sisters Class" being taught at the hospital that Reese will be delivering at. Radha was there with a three-year-old girl, Abby, who will also be welcoming a baby brother about the same time that she does. A woman named Becky, who works in the hospital's L&D ward, taught the class. The girls watched a video about welcoming a new sibling home and then practiced changing the diaper of and dressing a doll. I'm not sure how much of the info Radha soaked in, but it was comforting to see her interested in the prospect of welcoming a sibling. Near the end of the class she decorated a t-shirt for her new brother with her own illustrations and the message "Baby Brother...Welcome Home!"

As for me, I still need to refresh my memory on what a dad should know about a new baby. Just because I've been through it before doesn't mean that I remember every little detail. Thankfully, Reese still has all of the literature we received prior to Radha's birth. I imagine that these next two weeks will go by in the blink of an eye. I better get ready.

"May all your dreams come true..."

This weekend turned out to be a very rewarding one. On Friday, I found out that the Dayton Chapter of the Disneyana Fan Club would be holding their annual convention on Saturday and Sunday. One of the great things about having a child is the chance to rediscover some of the things I have lost touch with from my own childhood. The world of Walt Disney, and everything it encompasses, is one of those things I have had the chance to rediscover. Over the past several months, Radha has developed a love for the modern Tinker Bell movies ("Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue" is the first full movie she sat through). When I found out that Margaret Kerry, the model/actress for Tinker Bell from 1953's "Peter Pan," would be one of the convention's guest speakers, I knew we had to go. Yesterday, we arrived just in time to see Bill Farmer (the voice of Goofy for the past 20+ years) and Mrs. Kerry tell some very entertaining stories about their histories working for The Walt Disney Company. Following that, Mrs. Kerry signed a picture of Tinker Bell with a personalized message just for Radha. Of course, there were plenty of Disney goods for sale and Radha ended up picking out a Piglet pin. What made the purchase memorable was how random the pin was. It featured Piglet dressed as a clown with "Happy Halloween 2002" inscribed on it. You could totally imagine a two-year-old picking it out!

I do believe that we are warming up to living in Ohio quite well. Last weekend, we celebrated Father's Day by going out and sharing some great family time together. After the great time we had this weekend, I think we're on a roll. It makes me very hopeful for our future happiness as a family here and eagerly awaiting next weekend.

Not the Time to be Worried...

Right now, I would rather be writing about our new house or how much Radha loves going to the children's park at the end of the street. Those subjects are not foremost in my mind at the moment. Worry is, though. I don't want to be worrying or thinking about how Reese is worrying, either. I guess it just goes with the territory for us. I pray the next twenty-four hours go by quickly and that we don't dwell on one of the two results we could get at the end of that period. Praying for the best...keeping hope in my heart...trying not to worry...

Three Years of Love

I don't often think back on the hours leading up to January 26, 2008. While thoughts of Ronan do enter my mind on a daily basis, it's just too painful to dwell on what occurred between learning of his demise and his delivery. What I choose to remember is how excited Reese and I were that we were going to have a child and all of the adventures I dreamed about taking my son on prior to his passing. Those were not painful times. Nor was actually holding him in my arms once he arrived. Though he had passed on from this plane of existence to life eternal, I knew the love Reese and I had for one another had made something beautiful and I knew that love would eventually create again. Having Radha present has made this day easier but my heart still longs to hold my son again. Even if it was for only a moment. Earlier today, we again released balloons inscribed with words that only he is meant to read. Both of his grandmothers were present and even Radha attempted a drawing on the balloon she released for him. Things will be a little different next year since we'll be in a new place and not have as many family members around. However, at the conclusion of January 26th, the day will always end with reaffirming thoughts on my mind and love in my heart. He is forever loved, remembered and missed.

The Wonderful Twos

Two-years-old. This age has been somewhat of a running joke and/or recurring nightmare for parents everywhere but for one day, it was pure heaven. To observe how much Radha has grown and the abilities she has developed over a scant two years is nothing short of amazing to me. Reese was reminding me earlier how she couldn't even handle eating utensils and how limited her vocabulary was at the time of her first birthday celebration. Fast forward a year and there she is, clearly asking for cake, attempting to blow out candles without prompting and handling a fork well enough to get the cake to its intended destination. It is all so very rewarding and makes me so happy I am on this journey called fatherhood. I am so thankful she was surrounded by family members for this occasion seeing how this could be the last time we celebrate her birthday in the Lone Star State. She is obviously a very loved child, not only by Reese and I. I've heard the warnings but I am no less anxious to start the adventure that is raising a two-year-old. Here's to making the next 364 days the most adventure-filled I've seen yet!

Just the Two of Us...

Within the past month, Reese and I took our first out-of-state trip without Radha. We're very fortunate to have my parents close by, who never turn down an opportunity to watch their granddaughter. Reese has really wanted to take me to Seattle, Washington since she visited there over four years ago. Since I had never been there, I thought it sounded like the perfect place to make some new discoveries and recharge our relationship.

For one of the West Coast's major cities, Seattle sure was easy to navigate. The streets were plentiful, but never too crowded even during the weekend we visited. This made it much easier to see the sights we were looking forward to. Friday morning we awoke and quickly got ready for the spectacle that is Pike's Place Market. It was quite the bustling scene...fresh seafood, flowers and well made local goods and clothing nearly everywhere I looked. We shared a special breakfast there, a sweet cream cheese and Marionberry vatrushka with Starbucks coffee from the original location to wash it down. That afternoon, we walked to the Space Needle from our hotel. The structure's elevator took 44 seconds to shuttle us up to the observation deck 520 feet above the city. Waiting for us at the top were 360 degrees of amazing views. It really was a fantastic opportunity to see the entire city!

We spent Saturday on Whidbey Island, where Reese had attended a writers' colony back in 2005. She was able to show me several special locations she remembered such as the log covered beach at Double Bluff Bay and the quaint town of Langley. We even discovered a few new spots together including the pizzeria in Langley where we dined on a delicious pesto pizza.

Due to the fact that Radha wasn't going to be with us, we had agreed this would be a short getaway. We got up early on Sunday morning and made our way back to Sea-Tac airport, our last cups of Washington java in our hands. The trip back home was a long one, but we sure were happy to see our sleeping baby girl when we arrived at my parents' house to pick her up. It was nice to hear a series of high-pitched "You're back!" yelps from Spencer as well. I went to sleep that night knowing that there was something very special indeed about Seattle, Washington. I will definitely be returning, with Radha along, expecting to find even more to like.

On his second birthday...

Today we would have celebrated your second birthday. Even though I wish we could have watched a happy little boy eat cake and open presents today, such events did not take place. We did, however, release balloons to honor your memory. Your mother, sister, Darlin' and I journeyed to a local park where we knew we could find a peaceful spot that would allow us to reflect on the all to short time that we knew you. We even encountered a roadrunner on the trail we walked together. I think your mom is onto something about these bird sightings. We found a spot where the sky stretched forever and each wrote our thoughts of you on a balloon. We did give Radha some help with her's though. One by one we watched the balloons fly away, each becoming a tiny blue dot before disappearing from our sight. As my balloon floated away, I felt it pulling my current grieving state along with it. Funny how such a simple act transforms itself into the perfect metaphor. You are still greatly missed, my son. But you are even more greatly loved. I know I am a better father to Radha, having known you first. I am thankful for the opportunity to have held you in my arms on this day two years ago, no matter how bittersweet the memories may be.

A joyful year

Little girl, you have brought so much joy into your mother's and my hearts over the past year. At times, I don't think I deserve to know the joy it is to be your father. Then I am reminded of the hellish road I had to ride in getting you here. Your first birthday has been a happy one, I expected no less. It was such a warm feeling earlier tonight, to see you surrounded by your Darlin' and Pappa and your recently re-united uncle and aunt. Just like your mother and I, each of them loves and treasures you as well. Now your mother and I will prepare for the arrival of the several other well-wishers visiting this weekend. It is comforting to know that others appreciate the joy you have brought to us. May all future celebrations of your honoring be as rewarding as this one has!

So this is Christmas?

Late Christmas Eve, Reese and I were bringing our tradition of last minute gift arranging to a close. When we finally decided to call it a night around 11:20 pm, we quietly ascended the stairs only to find Radha wide awake and standing up in her crib. Fortunately for us, she was lulled back to sleep within an hour and I was finally ready to settle down for my "long winter's nap".

December 25, 2009. This would be the Christmas. The one where I got the chance to live vicariously through Radha and see what it's like to experience it all for the first time. In all honesty, I like to take it easy on Christmas Day. The more time spent at home and the less spent in the car traveling to see relatives, the better. It didn't take long for me to start believing that I will probably never see a Christmas Day like that again. The sudden obligation I felt to ensure that every relative gets to see my daughter, especially on her first Christmas, quickly swept away any delusional, selfish Christmas Day wants I had. The day consisted of quickly showering first thing, opening gifts at our home, eating a quick breakfast, going to my parents' house to open gifts, speeding back home to pack for our trip, driving two hours to my father-in-law's house, eating a very good dinner with lots of in-laws, opening gifts with my in-laws (which took a while since every child gets to open gifts solo with everyone else's attention focused on him/her) and finally settling down for the night. I'm not going to lie...the whole day put my endurance to the test. In the closing minutes, I was able to add up all of the surprised looks and smiles I had witnessed throughout the day and decided it had definitely been worth the testing.

One thing I discovered over the past weekend is that there is nothing quite like Christmas and the end of the current year that makes me realize just how much Radha has grown up. Her new toys, mainly the Fisher-Price role-play and play set stuff, really allowed me to see how many skills she has developed over this past year. She took such an interest in a tea set she received that her and I played with for what seemed like hours. By Sunday, she was pouring pretend tea from the talking teapot into the purple, plastic teacups and then lifting a cup to her mouth. She is growing up. There is nothing I can do to halt that, but now I realize just how rewarding watching these stages go by can be.

As expected, the holiday could not be all sunshine and lollipops. At Christmas Eve service, Reese put an offering into the collection plate where she had written Ronan's name in the blank beside the "In memory of" line. This immediately brought tears to both of our sets of eyes but Radha's high pitched chirp during the offertory music relieved us of prolonging our sadness. We also visited Reese's grandmother during the weekend who is recovering in a nursing home from a stroke she suffered back in October. Even with her limited communication skills she seemed very happy to see us, especially Radha who, thankfully, did not cry the entire length of the visit.

We returned home Sunday night, wiped out yet again. Radha went to sleep fairly quickly. Reese and I were thankful for a few moments of time together before real life commenced in a few short hours. We had survived our first Christmas with our daughter. Now we are preparing for her first Birthday celebration. We should be able to catch our breaths between now and then.

Look how far we've come

It recently dawned on me that 2009 is coming to a close...very quickly. I have had a few great experiences in the last few months that, until now, have remained locked away in my head. A certain little girl's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving are at the top of that list. A first Christmas is less than a week away. Reese and I have been blessed to witness all of these firsts. That's not to say that there haven't been moments of sorrow sprinkled amongst them though. Just the other day, we were both missing Ronan and thinking about another Christmas without him. She asked me if it would always be like this. I answered a very honest "Yes." You never get completely over that loss and the holidays make you miss those who won't be there so much more. That being said, there's still a lot of joy to be had. We both know this and we promise not to miss one moment of it.

On reaching our eighth...

Just a few days ago, Reese and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Eight might not sound like such a large number, but the amount of experiences you share with a certain person can total quite high when you see her almost every day over such a time span. Even though we've known each other for longer than eight years, what we have been through since "tying the knot" astounds me. I can recall far more good times than bad, but some of the bad have been nearly unbearable. To me, the greatest achievements of those eight years were the conceptions of two children, only one of which is with us today. I would never trade those eight years of experience away for any other eight, even if the new ones promised to omit that one soul crushing moment and several other "bumps in the road". In my book, eight is not enough and I look forward to several more years of life building experiences with her.

A Kind Heart

Selkie,

I know that for most situations, you must wear an unyielding exterior. But there should be no question as to how giving you are. I am truly in awe. I wish I could be as understanding of others' hardships and offer the level of kindness that you do. You truly give me something to aspire to. I am proud to call you my wife and thankful that you will someday impart this amazing ability on our daughter.

Happy Birthday to Two!

     As fate would have it, both my mother and my wife share the same birthday.  Yesterday morning, Radha and I met up with my mom at a nearby outdoor mall.  I wanted to treat mom to a nice birthday brunch so after offering her the choice of any restaurant at the mall or in the surrounding area, she chose...Sonic.  Gotta' love her.  Maybe she feels she can only enjoy/invest in junk food once a year and her birthday happens to be that day.  Friends from Michigan were in town for Reese's birthday dinner and we all ended up at Maggiano's where they seem to have never heard of "small portions".  That's okay though because pasta usually tastes just as good the second day.  Of course we had to make a trip over to my parents' house so gifts could be exchanged and then get home before it was past Radha's bedtime.  Though I may not have realized it in earlier years, I'm really thankful that I have two special women in my life that are honored on the same day.  Let's do it all over again next year, ladies!

Fear not...

Dear Selkie,

     I just wanted you to know how much I love you.  Over the past seven weeks, I've watched you endure great pain, conquer paralyzing fear and emerge with the greatest sense of joy I've ever known you to have.  I am so proud to have you as my wife.  Even though you return to the workplace tomorrow, it will be comforting to know that you will be on her mind and in her heart.  My wish for you is that your day flies by quickly and that we are all safely reunited tomorrow afternoon.  Sleep soundly...