Two Months After Two Years

 Though Henry is too young to have a motto, I'm pretty certain that his has been "full steam ahead" since becoming a two-year-old.  I honestly do not know how I keep up with my boy and I humbly admit that I am not able to do it 24/7.  Thankfully, there are other members of this household who are prepared to step in when my aging locomotive self derails.  My boy is probably not much different than other boys his age: he runs, climbs, jumps, throws toys, pushes boundaries and wants very little to do with mealtimes.  He is vastly different at this age than Radha  was, though, and that's not a bad thing at all.  I'm constantly being reminded that each kid is different and that has to be what keeps a father bringing his A-game.

Thinking back on his birthday party, reminds me how different raising him has been.  Halloween is most certainly a time of frenzied activity for children (and their parents).  How could it not be, with the opportunities for dressing up and setting out to claim as much candy as possible?  Fitting in a birthday celebration and the required watching of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on top of that just meant later bedtimes for the whole family.  The excitement and joy on my children's faces was entirely worth it, though.

At this point, I'm willing to admit that my children are aging too fast.  Radha will be five-years-old tomorrow, and we will surely be reflecting more on our time with Ronan in the weeks ahead.  Shortly after that, a whole new chapter in my journey will begin as the second digit of my age resets to zero.  I started this year thinking how it was my faith and positive thinking that really pulled me through the toughest obstacles that I faced last year, and I would definitely be doing myself a favor by ensuring that those two armaments remain by my side as I will surely require them again.  "Loving my kids, loving my wife, loving my life" is going to be my motto going forwrd.  Here's to a new year of hope and possibilities for my family and myself.

The Noble Acts

A lot has happened since that day five years ago when I became the father who would not be able to take his son home from the hospital.  We've grown as a family, yet we will always be one member short.  In the past, this day is usually marked by quiet pensiveness but that's not so much the case anymore.  It's times like these when I am most grateful that I have two kids whose boundless energy won't let me sit down and get lost in sadness.  Even though caring for Radha and Henry limits the time for personal reflection, there are still moments where I wonder how different my life would be were Ronan here with us.  It's impossible to know but I am at peace when imagining such scenarios.  It's proof enough that I should not be saddened by his memory.  He was my son and he is so dearly loved no matter the short amount of time we had with him.

This year, in honor of Ronan's memory, Reese organized a book drive to benefit the local library here in Beavercreek as well as the one in her hometown in Texas.  We're fortunate to have so many friends who have donated books and funds that the libraries will use to purchase other titles.  Each book will contain an inscribed plate noting that it was donated in Ronan's memory.  I am certain that the children reading these books will surely gain a lasting benefit and I can think of no better way of honoring my son than that.  It's times like this that I take note of the noble acts that arise from tragedy.

If there's anything that I've learned by watching my own father, it's that the challenges of fatherhood don't get any easier with age.  My driving goal in life is to be the very best father I can for the two children here with me, no matter their--or my--age.  May Ronan's memory alway strengthen and encourage me in this goal.  I love you, my first born son.

Four Years In

My Radha celebrated her fourth birthday just a few short weeks ago.  The occasion was marked by a small party at home with a few of Reese's co-workers in attendance.  Reese really outdid herself by preparing a wonderful Italian wedding soup and a lemon cake with strawberry frosting, decorated with Max and Ruby on top.  The following weekend, a grand celebration took place at The Magic Castle (a local amusement center) with some of Radha's preschool classmates and other friends in attendance.  There, she was anointed "Queen Radha" and she and her loyal subjects spent a few hours having fun by climbing and sliding through the soft play area and racking up tickets from several redemption games.  I was happy to discover that the soft play area was large enough for me to enjoy as well.  Climbing up and down that structure for an hour turned out to be quite the workout!

As would be expected, another year brings a whole new set of challenges.  Lately, Reese and I have been challenging Radha to engage in more "big girl" behaviors such as not waking us up in the middle of the night after she uses the bathroom.  She has been handling them well, with slight reluctance.  I continue to be so thankful that she loves going to school and has made some good friends there.  That's one thing that I hope will continue throughout her entire schooling journey.  There is no doubt that the challenges of being a parent have increased--especially now that Henry is mobile--but I gladly accept what each new day brings, considering how great the rewards are.  I am so very grateful to have both of these children in my life and as we close in on the fifth anniversary of our first son's passing, it makes me realize even more what a blessing Radha is and how much my soul was healed upon her arrival.  May her joyful, curious, humorous, "can't stop for a second" personality continue to motivate me to provide her with growing opportunities all year long.  I love you, my sweet girl!

A Truly Amazing First

Today marks the occasion of Henry's first birthday.  It's quite interesting when a birthday coincides with Halloween.  Seeing as how this was his first birthday, and he didn't care much about its theme,  Reese and I decked the house out with both Halloween and  birthday decorations.  It's not often that you will see a "Happy Birthday!" balloon floating right next to one of a giant ghost!  Henry was dressed as a fireman (again, not that he had much say in that choice) and Radha was costumed as Lulu the Ladybug Girl from one of her favorite book series.  Fortunately, my mother and father traveled here from Texas to celebrate alongside of us and many of Reese's coworkers attended and brought gifts for our boy.  It was great to see the younger children dressed in costume as it added even more excitement to the festivities.

It now seems so long ago that I first heard the news that Reese and I would be expecting another son.  At first, I was inundated with worry remembering what had befallen our Ronan and not quite sure if the parenting style I had adopted with Radha could be adapted to raising a son.  That is all in the past now and I can't imagine what it would be like not having Henry in my life for the past year.  Though it is a scant period of time in the grand scheme of things, it has been amazing in terms of what I have seen him achieve.  Once he began accomplishing his early feats, he refused to slow down.  From being able to feed himself to crawling to creeping and testing himself to see how long he can stand for, this child just refuses to stop for a rest.  I can already sense his thirst for adventure and can almost hear him asking permission to take part in many character defining opportunities in the future.  Even though I had some opportunities for adventure in my youth, I lacked the emotional maturity to fully appreciate and learn from them.  You can bet that I will be ratcheting up my courage so that I can be right there by my son's side and doing a little character defining for myself. Happy birthday, my son!  I love you dearly and look forward to witnessing and praising your future accomplishments!  You are most certainly proof that even the youngest amongst us can inspire an elder to greatness.

October 31, 2011: All Treats, No Tricks

I had every intention of making this particular entry before now. However, the past few weeks have reminded me of how little free time one has--or makes wise use of--once a new child enters your life. Our third child and second son, Henry, was born on October 31st at 11:41 A.M. He weighed seven pounds and five ounces and measured 20.5 inches long. We never expected a Halloween baby, but when Reese woke me up around 8:00 A.M. that morning and informed me that she had been having contractions for the past two hours, I knew he would be there before noon. His delivery was unique in that the entire delivery team was composed of women who were all smiles and congratulations once he was safely here. Upon arrival, he made us quite aware of how well his lungs functioned, but once he was swaddled and placed in Reese's arms, he became the proverbial "sleeping baby." It was nice to see Reese as alert as she was post-delivery. There really is nothing more evident of a human spirit as watching a mother bond with her newborn child.

Later that afternoon, I was able to pick Radha up and bring her to the hospital so that she could get her first glimpse of our newest family member. Seeing how it was Halloween, I had her wear her costume (Little Red Riding Hood) and bring her pumpkin along with her. She received some treats from the nurses and another family, who had just welcomed a new arrival, offered her some "It's A Boy!" mints. She did show some interest in her new brother and even sat on the bed and held him for a few seconds before something else in the room caught her attention. After bringing her home that evening, I was able to take her to ten houses or so for some Trick or Treating. It turned out to be quite the magical experience for her and I'm quite certain that Halloween is now her favorite holiday. Late that evening, I returned to the hospital where Reese and I spent our first of a few rough nights. Thankfully, Henry slept in the nursery for a few hours of each night we were there, making the stay a bit more bearable. It's hard to imagine a situation that makes you more thankful to return home and sleep in your own bed than a few nights spent in a hospital.

Now that Henry has been home for a few weeks, I have gotten to form a greater bond with him. The love I have for him is different than what I have for Radha but I love him every bit as much as I do her and am willing to jump in front of a train to save him. Reese assures me that is normal and getting to know him better as he grows fills in some of the layers that are not currently present. Regardless, I know that I have been blessed to finally experience raising a son. That is something I have only been able to dream about since we lost Ronan nearly four years ago.

Many thoughts concerning what life will be like now that we are raising two children weigh heavily on my mind, but foremost is how grateful I am to have them both in my life. I am looking forward to the upcoming holiday season and having my entire immediate family at home. Hopefully, the rush usually associated with the holidays will be quelled just a bit this year considering our current situation. I'll do my best to focus on my loved ones and put their most important needs first. May this season truly be a most joyous one for all of us.

Three Years of Love

I don't often think back on the hours leading up to January 26, 2008. While thoughts of Ronan do enter my mind on a daily basis, it's just too painful to dwell on what occurred between learning of his demise and his delivery. What I choose to remember is how excited Reese and I were that we were going to have a child and all of the adventures I dreamed about taking my son on prior to his passing. Those were not painful times. Nor was actually holding him in my arms once he arrived. Though he had passed on from this plane of existence to life eternal, I knew the love Reese and I had for one another had made something beautiful and I knew that love would eventually create again. Having Radha present has made this day easier but my heart still longs to hold my son again. Even if it was for only a moment. Earlier today, we again released balloons inscribed with words that only he is meant to read. Both of his grandmothers were present and even Radha attempted a drawing on the balloon she released for him. Things will be a little different next year since we'll be in a new place and not have as many family members around. However, at the conclusion of January 26th, the day will always end with reaffirming thoughts on my mind and love in my heart. He is forever loved, remembered and missed.

On his second birthday...

Today we would have celebrated your second birthday. Even though I wish we could have watched a happy little boy eat cake and open presents today, such events did not take place. We did, however, release balloons to honor your memory. Your mother, sister, Darlin' and I journeyed to a local park where we knew we could find a peaceful spot that would allow us to reflect on the all to short time that we knew you. We even encountered a roadrunner on the trail we walked together. I think your mom is onto something about these bird sightings. We found a spot where the sky stretched forever and each wrote our thoughts of you on a balloon. We did give Radha some help with her's though. One by one we watched the balloons fly away, each becoming a tiny blue dot before disappearing from our sight. As my balloon floated away, I felt it pulling my current grieving state along with it. Funny how such a simple act transforms itself into the perfect metaphor. You are still greatly missed, my son. But you are even more greatly loved. I know I am a better father to Radha, having known you first. I am thankful for the opportunity to have held you in my arms on this day two years ago, no matter how bittersweet the memories may be.

Here we go again...

So it's January again. For myself, a month of momentous celebrations and tremendous sorrow. I'm strapped in for the next thirty-one days...ready to take my ride on the roller coaster of emotions.

So this is Christmas?

Late Christmas Eve, Reese and I were bringing our tradition of last minute gift arranging to a close. When we finally decided to call it a night around 11:20 pm, we quietly ascended the stairs only to find Radha wide awake and standing up in her crib. Fortunately for us, she was lulled back to sleep within an hour and I was finally ready to settle down for my "long winter's nap".

December 25, 2009. This would be the Christmas. The one where I got the chance to live vicariously through Radha and see what it's like to experience it all for the first time. In all honesty, I like to take it easy on Christmas Day. The more time spent at home and the less spent in the car traveling to see relatives, the better. It didn't take long for me to start believing that I will probably never see a Christmas Day like that again. The sudden obligation I felt to ensure that every relative gets to see my daughter, especially on her first Christmas, quickly swept away any delusional, selfish Christmas Day wants I had. The day consisted of quickly showering first thing, opening gifts at our home, eating a quick breakfast, going to my parents' house to open gifts, speeding back home to pack for our trip, driving two hours to my father-in-law's house, eating a very good dinner with lots of in-laws, opening gifts with my in-laws (which took a while since every child gets to open gifts solo with everyone else's attention focused on him/her) and finally settling down for the night. I'm not going to lie...the whole day put my endurance to the test. In the closing minutes, I was able to add up all of the surprised looks and smiles I had witnessed throughout the day and decided it had definitely been worth the testing.

One thing I discovered over the past weekend is that there is nothing quite like Christmas and the end of the current year that makes me realize just how much Radha has grown up. Her new toys, mainly the Fisher-Price role-play and play set stuff, really allowed me to see how many skills she has developed over this past year. She took such an interest in a tea set she received that her and I played with for what seemed like hours. By Sunday, she was pouring pretend tea from the talking teapot into the purple, plastic teacups and then lifting a cup to her mouth. She is growing up. There is nothing I can do to halt that, but now I realize just how rewarding watching these stages go by can be.

As expected, the holiday could not be all sunshine and lollipops. At Christmas Eve service, Reese put an offering into the collection plate where she had written Ronan's name in the blank beside the "In memory of" line. This immediately brought tears to both of our sets of eyes but Radha's high pitched chirp during the offertory music relieved us of prolonging our sadness. We also visited Reese's grandmother during the weekend who is recovering in a nursing home from a stroke she suffered back in October. Even with her limited communication skills she seemed very happy to see us, especially Radha who, thankfully, did not cry the entire length of the visit.

We returned home Sunday night, wiped out yet again. Radha went to sleep fairly quickly. Reese and I were thankful for a few moments of time together before real life commenced in a few short hours. We had survived our first Christmas with our daughter. Now we are preparing for her first Birthday celebration. We should be able to catch our breaths between now and then.

Look how far we've come

It recently dawned on me that 2009 is coming to a close...very quickly. I have had a few great experiences in the last few months that, until now, have remained locked away in my head. A certain little girl's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving are at the top of that list. A first Christmas is less than a week away. Reese and I have been blessed to witness all of these firsts. That's not to say that there haven't been moments of sorrow sprinkled amongst them though. Just the other day, we were both missing Ronan and thinking about another Christmas without him. She asked me if it would always be like this. I answered a very honest "Yes." You never get completely over that loss and the holidays make you miss those who won't be there so much more. That being said, there's still a lot of joy to be had. We both know this and we promise not to miss one moment of it.

On reaching our eighth...

Just a few days ago, Reese and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Eight might not sound like such a large number, but the amount of experiences you share with a certain person can total quite high when you see her almost every day over such a time span. Even though we've known each other for longer than eight years, what we have been through since "tying the knot" astounds me. I can recall far more good times than bad, but some of the bad have been nearly unbearable. To me, the greatest achievements of those eight years were the conceptions of two children, only one of which is with us today. I would never trade those eight years of experience away for any other eight, even if the new ones promised to omit that one soul crushing moment and several other "bumps in the road". In my book, eight is not enough and I look forward to several more years of life building experiences with her.

My Second Father's Day

On this very special day, I want to take heed from the words uttered in a Bryan Adams song that was popular many years ago:

"Everything I do, I do it for you."

Thank you both for making me a father.  Both of you are loved.  One of you is greatly missed.  The other, may I hold onto you forever.

Happy Birthday...

     You would be one-year-old today.  I thought about you all day, looking into the face of your younger sister and wondering what it would be like to care for you both.  If only that cruel genetic anomaly hadn't stolen you away from me, I may have known what that felt like.  I love you so much and constantly wish you could be here with the rest of us even though I know that can never be.  I hope I can give your sister the care and impart the knowledge on her that I am unable to give to you.  Give me the strength and courage to do that, my son.