The Noble Acts

A lot has happened since that day five years ago when I became the father who would not be able to take his son home from the hospital.  We've grown as a family, yet we will always be one member short.  In the past, this day is usually marked by quiet pensiveness but that's not so much the case anymore.  It's times like these when I am most grateful that I have two kids whose boundless energy won't let me sit down and get lost in sadness.  Even though caring for Radha and Henry limits the time for personal reflection, there are still moments where I wonder how different my life would be were Ronan here with us.  It's impossible to know but I am at peace when imagining such scenarios.  It's proof enough that I should not be saddened by his memory.  He was my son and he is so dearly loved no matter the short amount of time we had with him.

This year, in honor of Ronan's memory, Reese organized a book drive to benefit the local library here in Beavercreek as well as the one in her hometown in Texas.  We're fortunate to have so many friends who have donated books and funds that the libraries will use to purchase other titles.  Each book will contain an inscribed plate noting that it was donated in Ronan's memory.  I am certain that the children reading these books will surely gain a lasting benefit and I can think of no better way of honoring my son than that.  It's times like this that I take note of the noble acts that arise from tragedy.

If there's anything that I've learned by watching my own father, it's that the challenges of fatherhood don't get any easier with age.  My driving goal in life is to be the very best father I can for the two children here with me, no matter their--or my--age.  May Ronan's memory alway strengthen and encourage me in this goal.  I love you, my first born son.

Missing winter...

So what is it about winter that always seems to snare me? I guess my overexposure to the Winter Olympics, currently underway in Vancouver, has me missing snow and all of the extra steps to daily life that go along with it. Steps like bundling up just to go out and get your mail and starting the car no less than ten minutes before you even think about going anywhere. There still exists a strong possibility that I will be living back up north again in time to see the first day of winter 2011 come around. Of course, my tolerance level for whatever the season brings will have been considerably diminished by then and I'm sure I'll have some choice words when I have to get out and drive in it again. But there is no doubt that the season brings many rewarding opportunities as well. Snow covered landscapes make for some of the best picture taking opportunities I've ever encountered, hot soups and stews make for some of the best things to fill your tummy with on cold nights and of course, Radha's first chance to flop on her back and make a snow angel will make the hindrances all worth it. I'm even planning on taking ice skating lessons this spring to prepare for the day her and I can hit the ice together. Maybe I'm reaching a bit, but it's these thoughts that keep me cool on the 70+ degree winter days we sometimes get here in Texas. I'll keep romanticizing winter for now...of course if all goes according to plan, I may be writing something a little different here in two years. At least I'll have a cup of hot cocoa in hand for the right reasons while typing away.

So this is Christmas?

Late Christmas Eve, Reese and I were bringing our tradition of last minute gift arranging to a close. When we finally decided to call it a night around 11:20 pm, we quietly ascended the stairs only to find Radha wide awake and standing up in her crib. Fortunately for us, she was lulled back to sleep within an hour and I was finally ready to settle down for my "long winter's nap".

December 25, 2009. This would be the Christmas. The one where I got the chance to live vicariously through Radha and see what it's like to experience it all for the first time. In all honesty, I like to take it easy on Christmas Day. The more time spent at home and the less spent in the car traveling to see relatives, the better. It didn't take long for me to start believing that I will probably never see a Christmas Day like that again. The sudden obligation I felt to ensure that every relative gets to see my daughter, especially on her first Christmas, quickly swept away any delusional, selfish Christmas Day wants I had. The day consisted of quickly showering first thing, opening gifts at our home, eating a quick breakfast, going to my parents' house to open gifts, speeding back home to pack for our trip, driving two hours to my father-in-law's house, eating a very good dinner with lots of in-laws, opening gifts with my in-laws (which took a while since every child gets to open gifts solo with everyone else's attention focused on him/her) and finally settling down for the night. I'm not going to lie...the whole day put my endurance to the test. In the closing minutes, I was able to add up all of the surprised looks and smiles I had witnessed throughout the day and decided it had definitely been worth the testing.

One thing I discovered over the past weekend is that there is nothing quite like Christmas and the end of the current year that makes me realize just how much Radha has grown up. Her new toys, mainly the Fisher-Price role-play and play set stuff, really allowed me to see how many skills she has developed over this past year. She took such an interest in a tea set she received that her and I played with for what seemed like hours. By Sunday, she was pouring pretend tea from the talking teapot into the purple, plastic teacups and then lifting a cup to her mouth. She is growing up. There is nothing I can do to halt that, but now I realize just how rewarding watching these stages go by can be.

As expected, the holiday could not be all sunshine and lollipops. At Christmas Eve service, Reese put an offering into the collection plate where she had written Ronan's name in the blank beside the "In memory of" line. This immediately brought tears to both of our sets of eyes but Radha's high pitched chirp during the offertory music relieved us of prolonging our sadness. We also visited Reese's grandmother during the weekend who is recovering in a nursing home from a stroke she suffered back in October. Even with her limited communication skills she seemed very happy to see us, especially Radha who, thankfully, did not cry the entire length of the visit.

We returned home Sunday night, wiped out yet again. Radha went to sleep fairly quickly. Reese and I were thankful for a few moments of time together before real life commenced in a few short hours. We had survived our first Christmas with our daughter. Now we are preparing for her first Birthday celebration. We should be able to catch our breaths between now and then.

A Kind Heart

Selkie,

I know that for most situations, you must wear an unyielding exterior. But there should be no question as to how giving you are. I am truly in awe. I wish I could be as understanding of others' hardships and offer the level of kindness that you do. You truly give me something to aspire to. I am proud to call you my wife and thankful that you will someday impart this amazing ability on our daughter.

Dr. Mom???

     Slowly but surely, news of my departure is spreading among my coworkers.  A few days ago, a guy who I consider a friend addressed me as "Dr. Mom."  Let me get this straight, I am neither a doctor nor a mom.  As politely as possible, I informed him that I would soon be a stay at home dad and reminded him that he would still have to work with me for six more days.  He changed the subject and became overly friendly real quick.   It seems like my female coworkers are a lot more capable of stringing the words stay, at, home and dad together.  Maybe it's not that big a deal.  I'm the one who's getting out of that accursed place and doing what I want to, right?  Heck, this same friend told me he would have stayed at home with his son if he was given the chance.  Maybe he'll be lucky enough to be addressed as Dr. Mom someday down the road.

A Sense of Not Belonging

     I thought that I belonged there.  I was there right before the darkest time in my life and I returned there two weeks after Ronan passed away.  I stayed there all throughout 2008, not because I liked the job but because there was absolutely no desire for change in my life.  As Radha's birth drew nearer, the last thing on my mind was finding a new job.  Now I've been there just shy of fourteen months.  Since returning post-Radha's birth, my co-workers have been quite friendly...congratulating me and asking to see pictures.  Most of these people offered words of sympathy when I returned following Ronan's passing.  However, I still feel like I don't belong there anymore and that my skills are better used elsewhere.  I'll find out if I'm right soon enough.

January Warmth

     My 34th Birthday is not one I care to remember.  Ronan had been delivered just a few days before and Reese and I had just barely begun our attempts to cope with his passing.  Yet I do remember the wish I made as I blew out the candles on the cake Reese and my mother had procured.  So here I am, one year older and so thankful that the wish has come true.  I made a new wish this evening which I've got a year to see if it will take form as well.  I used to not like having a January birthday.  It just seemed like it followed Christmas too closely and it would be a long time until it came around again.  However, I was a child then and now I feel blessed to have been born during the first month of the year.  I have been given the opportunity to experience nearly the entire year as a newly aged man and make the most of my current age.  Add to this that both of my children have January birthdays and it makes the month even more special in my eyes.  I welcome the joy and the heartache future Januaries are sure to bring me.  This month serves to strengthen me like none other.