So this is Christmas?

Late Christmas Eve, Reese and I were bringing our tradition of last minute gift arranging to a close. When we finally decided to call it a night around 11:20 pm, we quietly ascended the stairs only to find Radha wide awake and standing up in her crib. Fortunately for us, she was lulled back to sleep within an hour and I was finally ready to settle down for my "long winter's nap".

December 25, 2009. This would be the Christmas. The one where I got the chance to live vicariously through Radha and see what it's like to experience it all for the first time. In all honesty, I like to take it easy on Christmas Day. The more time spent at home and the less spent in the car traveling to see relatives, the better. It didn't take long for me to start believing that I will probably never see a Christmas Day like that again. The sudden obligation I felt to ensure that every relative gets to see my daughter, especially on her first Christmas, quickly swept away any delusional, selfish Christmas Day wants I had. The day consisted of quickly showering first thing, opening gifts at our home, eating a quick breakfast, going to my parents' house to open gifts, speeding back home to pack for our trip, driving two hours to my father-in-law's house, eating a very good dinner with lots of in-laws, opening gifts with my in-laws (which took a while since every child gets to open gifts solo with everyone else's attention focused on him/her) and finally settling down for the night. I'm not going to lie...the whole day put my endurance to the test. In the closing minutes, I was able to add up all of the surprised looks and smiles I had witnessed throughout the day and decided it had definitely been worth the testing.

One thing I discovered over the past weekend is that there is nothing quite like Christmas and the end of the current year that makes me realize just how much Radha has grown up. Her new toys, mainly the Fisher-Price role-play and play set stuff, really allowed me to see how many skills she has developed over this past year. She took such an interest in a tea set she received that her and I played with for what seemed like hours. By Sunday, she was pouring pretend tea from the talking teapot into the purple, plastic teacups and then lifting a cup to her mouth. She is growing up. There is nothing I can do to halt that, but now I realize just how rewarding watching these stages go by can be.

As expected, the holiday could not be all sunshine and lollipops. At Christmas Eve service, Reese put an offering into the collection plate where she had written Ronan's name in the blank beside the "In memory of" line. This immediately brought tears to both of our sets of eyes but Radha's high pitched chirp during the offertory music relieved us of prolonging our sadness. We also visited Reese's grandmother during the weekend who is recovering in a nursing home from a stroke she suffered back in October. Even with her limited communication skills she seemed very happy to see us, especially Radha who, thankfully, did not cry the entire length of the visit.

We returned home Sunday night, wiped out yet again. Radha went to sleep fairly quickly. Reese and I were thankful for a few moments of time together before real life commenced in a few short hours. We had survived our first Christmas with our daughter. Now we are preparing for her first Birthday celebration. We should be able to catch our breaths between now and then.

Look how far we've come

It recently dawned on me that 2009 is coming to a close...very quickly. I have had a few great experiences in the last few months that, until now, have remained locked away in my head. A certain little girl's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving are at the top of that list. A first Christmas is less than a week away. Reese and I have been blessed to witness all of these firsts. That's not to say that there haven't been moments of sorrow sprinkled amongst them though. Just the other day, we were both missing Ronan and thinking about another Christmas without him. She asked me if it would always be like this. I answered a very honest "Yes." You never get completely over that loss and the holidays make you miss those who won't be there so much more. That being said, there's still a lot of joy to be had. We both know this and we promise not to miss one moment of it.

On reaching our eighth...

Just a few days ago, Reese and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Eight might not sound like such a large number, but the amount of experiences you share with a certain person can total quite high when you see her almost every day over such a time span. Even though we've known each other for longer than eight years, what we have been through since "tying the knot" astounds me. I can recall far more good times than bad, but some of the bad have been nearly unbearable. To me, the greatest achievements of those eight years were the conceptions of two children, only one of which is with us today. I would never trade those eight years of experience away for any other eight, even if the new ones promised to omit that one soul crushing moment and several other "bumps in the road". In my book, eight is not enough and I look forward to several more years of life building experiences with her.

Tons of sugar + animated giant robots = Nirvana

For twenty-two minutes this morning, I was eleven-years-old again. My cousin and his wife, who are visiting, made us Cap'n Crunch french toast for breakfast. In an effort to corral their bustling, nearly three-year-old son I opened YouTube and asked him to sit down and watch an '80s Transformers episode with me. The combination of eating that most brilliant concoction and watching A Decepticon Raider in King Arthur's Court transported me back to the distant past much like Starscream and company in that very episode. Who would have known that their visit marked the beginning of a new Saturday morning tradition?

The end is nigh

It's a sad fact of life that two hearts that were once so intertwined can grow so far apart. Such is the case for my brother and his wife who are planning to separate. They have only been married for four short years, but recently she has come to the realization that they are incompatible. He says he didn't see this coming and is devastated. I think an extremely small chance for reconciliation exists but that is not the likely forecast. My heart aches for both of them and my mind reaches back four years ago to that afternoon on the Maui coast when the current state of affairs was the furthest thing from their young and blissful minds. I love you both and hope against all odds that this situation can be rectified. Even if it can't, my only wish is that you both find the love again that you once held for each other.

A Kind Heart

Selkie,

I know that for most situations, you must wear an unyielding exterior. But there should be no question as to how giving you are. I am truly in awe. I wish I could be as understanding of others' hardships and offer the level of kindness that you do. You truly give me something to aspire to. I am proud to call you my wife and thankful that you will someday impart this amazing ability on our daughter.

Rice cereal. Guilty as charged!!!

So, the transition to solid foods has had its ups and downs.  It all came to a head earlier tonight.  Honestly, I'm not even 100% sure that rice cereal was to blame for the damming of little Radha's personal waste disposal facility; but something's got to take the blame and from what I've been told, rice cereal is the most likely candidate!  Fortunately, Reese and I had the tools on hand for the job and once the dam broke, peace and tranquility for our little girl soon followed.  A nice warm soak with a new friend (pictured above) seemed to take her mind off of the entire heartwrenching ordeal.  What a relief it was to see our little girl back to her young self.  Thank goodness for a certain gentle relaxing miracle!

My Second Father's Day

On this very special day, I want to take heed from the words uttered in a Bryan Adams song that was popular many years ago:

"Everything I do, I do it for you."

Thank you both for making me a father.  Both of you are loved.  One of you is greatly missed.  The other, may I hold onto you forever.

Get well soon, o' furry one!

     I know things have been rough for you lately.  First it was the ear infection.  Now it is the eye infection.  Not to mention the ongoing allergy issues.  I just want you to know that you are such a vital component of our family.  I know it seems like my attitude towards you has changed since Radha's arrival, but I still love you very much.  Honestly, I don't know what Mom and I would do without you.  You have helped us both through some EXTREMELY tough times.  We want you around for several more years.  We want Radha to know just how big a piece of our hearts you share.  Please get well soon! 

A View of Motherhood. One year later.

     One year ago, I watched as you faced the holiday with all the resolve you could muster.  It was a day you were fully entitled to celebrate, yet he was not there to celebrate it with you.  One year later, you celebrated  your second Mother's Day, and this time she was there.  It was a blessing to watch you stare into her eyes and hold her close to you throughout the day.  You looked so beautifully happy.  Though she was close, I know he was on your mind and in your heart as well.  One year ago I had no idea just how much of a difference one year can make.  I'm glad I got to find out.

Farewell Kevin...

Kevin,

     I heard that you passed away on April 5, 2009 at the entirely too young age of 35.  Thinking back, I remember that time you picked on me in our seventh grade English class and Greg Ledbetter stepped in on my behalf.  I didn't hate you for it though.  There are a few good memories, like that time in '88 when Columbus got one of those random, freak ice storms and my mom's car got stuck in the slush right across from your parents' house.  You offered to help us get it out.  I haven't forgotten the ribbing you gave me when the Dodgers got knocked out of the '91 MLB Playoffs, either.  Can't say I didn't deserve it with the way I was running my mouth in the middle of Braves Nation though.  Anyway man, I know you have a wife and two young children who are missing you more than their hearts can stand it right now.  I've prayed for them every night since I heard the news.  I read your obituary, and it sounded like you lived a full life in the short time you were here.  That's all any of us can ask for in the end. Congratulations on all you achieved.  I hope there are plenty of mud bogs in Heaven.

Happy Birthday to Two!

     As fate would have it, both my mother and my wife share the same birthday.  Yesterday morning, Radha and I met up with my mom at a nearby outdoor mall.  I wanted to treat mom to a nice birthday brunch so after offering her the choice of any restaurant at the mall or in the surrounding area, she chose...Sonic.  Gotta' love her.  Maybe she feels she can only enjoy/invest in junk food once a year and her birthday happens to be that day.  Friends from Michigan were in town for Reese's birthday dinner and we all ended up at Maggiano's where they seem to have never heard of "small portions".  That's okay though because pasta usually tastes just as good the second day.  Of course we had to make a trip over to my parents' house so gifts could be exchanged and then get home before it was past Radha's bedtime.  Though I may not have realized it in earlier years, I'm really thankful that I have two special women in my life that are honored on the same day.  Let's do it all over again next year, ladies!

Settling in

     And so begins my second week.  My first week as a SAHD had a few good days and a few not-so-good days.  If there is one thing I learned, it was to never expect the same day twice.  I am on HER schedule and she never keeps the same schedule.  Seeing as how this process carries an evolutionary aspect with it, I believe adapt or die will be my adage going forward.

     Reese and I attended our first post-Radha cookout yesterday, and I must say that it was a very enjoyable experience.  Seeing as how the weather has been progressively warming up since the end of February (it was in the low nineties yesterday), our friends Chris and Crystal must have figured that since the summer weather is here we should be diving right into summer activities.  Chris and Crystal have an eight-month-old girl and the other couple attending, Mike and Tammy, brought their eleven-week-old girl along as well.  A strangely satisfying feeling washed over me while sitting there partly involved in the conversations and partly tending to Radha as the fajita meat cooked on the propane grill.  It was comforting to be among my fellow Americans who are also facing similar challenges.  Chris made the comment that, "There must be something in the water with all of these girls being born."  If that's the case, then I'm glad I took a drink when I did. 

One down...

     So I have conquered one whole day of, what I've been assured on many occasions, is the most important job of my life.  I've got to say that things went rather smoothly.  Radha didn't cry much, she got enough to eat and she slept for a good long while.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't breath a sigh of relief when Selkie made it home from work though.  Yeah, I think this job is going to turn out okay.  Like most bosses I've had in the past, I'm sure Radha will have days where she is quite pleased with my performance and others where nothing I do will be satisfying.  That's okay though, she can't fire this employee.  As for the job I had been on for fourteen months prior to this one, my last day was, as expected, rather anti-climactic.  I turned in my ID badges and gate pass, moved my remaining lab coats to the "Employees no longer with the company" rack and rode off with a $25 iTunes gift card.  I made a lot of good friends while working there.  Ones I know I should make the effort to keep in touch with.  I'll be sure to touch base with them every now and then to let them know how well my performance evaluations are going.

Fear not...

Dear Selkie,

     I just wanted you to know how much I love you.  Over the past seven weeks, I've watched you endure great pain, conquer paralyzing fear and emerge with the greatest sense of joy I've ever known you to have.  I am so proud to have you as my wife.  Even though you return to the workplace tomorrow, it will be comforting to know that you will be on her mind and in her heart.  My wish for you is that your day flies by quickly and that we are all safely reunited tomorrow afternoon.  Sleep soundly...   

Dr. Mom???

     Slowly but surely, news of my departure is spreading among my coworkers.  A few days ago, a guy who I consider a friend addressed me as "Dr. Mom."  Let me get this straight, I am neither a doctor nor a mom.  As politely as possible, I informed him that I would soon be a stay at home dad and reminded him that he would still have to work with me for six more days.  He changed the subject and became overly friendly real quick.   It seems like my female coworkers are a lot more capable of stringing the words stay, at, home and dad together.  Maybe it's not that big a deal.  I'm the one who's getting out of that accursed place and doing what I want to, right?  Heck, this same friend told me he would have stayed at home with his son if he was given the chance.  Maybe he'll be lucky enough to be addressed as Dr. Mom someday down the road.

Wouldn't it be nice?

     I have loved video games for a very long time.  Alas, there is not much time to devote to them currently.  I've really been thinking about digging out my Game Boy Advance and revisiting Power Quest from the Game Boy Color days.  About fifteen minutes should satisfy the current withdrawal symptoms I'm experiencing.  I guess this video will have to hold me until I can find fifteen minutes where I'm not working, eating, sleeping, holding Radha, blogging...you get the picture.

A Sense of Not Belonging

     I thought that I belonged there.  I was there right before the darkest time in my life and I returned there two weeks after Ronan passed away.  I stayed there all throughout 2008, not because I liked the job but because there was absolutely no desire for change in my life.  As Radha's birth drew nearer, the last thing on my mind was finding a new job.  Now I've been there just shy of fourteen months.  Since returning post-Radha's birth, my co-workers have been quite friendly...congratulating me and asking to see pictures.  Most of these people offered words of sympathy when I returned following Ronan's passing.  However, I still feel like I don't belong there anymore and that my skills are better used elsewhere.  I'll find out if I'm right soon enough.

January Warmth

     My 34th Birthday is not one I care to remember.  Ronan had been delivered just a few days before and Reese and I had just barely begun our attempts to cope with his passing.  Yet I do remember the wish I made as I blew out the candles on the cake Reese and my mother had procured.  So here I am, one year older and so thankful that the wish has come true.  I made a new wish this evening which I've got a year to see if it will take form as well.  I used to not like having a January birthday.  It just seemed like it followed Christmas too closely and it would be a long time until it came around again.  However, I was a child then and now I feel blessed to have been born during the first month of the year.  I have been given the opportunity to experience nearly the entire year as a newly aged man and make the most of my current age.  Add to this that both of my children have January birthdays and it makes the month even more special in my eyes.  I welcome the joy and the heartache future Januaries are sure to bring me.  This month serves to strengthen me like none other.

Three weeks ago..

...you made your mother and I the happiest couple ever sequestered in an operating room.  After almost a year that consisted of many hopeless, tear-filled and fearful days, you arrived and brought a tsunami of joy with you.  I am so thankful for you and feel warmness in what I thought was my frozen over heart whenever I stare into your newborn eyes.  Even though I have to return to work tomorrow, know that you and your mother will be on my mind every second of the nine hours I'll be away.  Be a good girl for mom and your Darlin', but save all of your exuberance for daddy.

Happy Birthday...

     You would be one-year-old today.  I thought about you all day, looking into the face of your younger sister and wondering what it would be like to care for you both.  If only that cruel genetic anomaly hadn't stolen you away from me, I may have known what that felt like.  I love you so much and constantly wish you could be here with the rest of us even though I know that can never be.  I hope I can give your sister the care and impart the knowledge on her that I am unable to give to you.  Give me the strength and courage to do that, my son.